I was stunned when my husband, Jake, handed me a schedule to help me \u201cbecome a better wife.\u201d But instead of blowing up, I played along. Little did Jake know, I was about to teach him a lesson that would make him rethink his newfound approach to marriage.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve always prided myself on being the level-headed one in our marriage. Jake, bless his heart, could get swept up in things pretty easily, whether it was a new hobby, or some random YouTube video that promised to change his life in three easy steps.<\/p>\n
But we were solid until Jake met Steve. Steve was the type of guy who thought being loudly opinionated made him right, the type that talks right over you when you try to correct him.
\nHe was also a perpetually single guy (who could have guessed?), who graciously dispensed relationship advice to all his married colleagues, Jake included. Jake should\u2019ve known better, but my darling husband was positively smitten with Steve\u2019s confidence.<\/p>\n
I didn\u2019t think much of it until Jake started making some noxious comments.
\n\u201cSteve says relationships work best when the wife takes charge of the household,\u201d he\u2019d say. Or \u201cSteve thinks it\u2019s important for women to look good for their husbands, no matter how long they\u2019ve been married.\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019d roll my eyes and reply with some sarcastic remark, but it was getting under my skin. Jake was changing. He\u2019d arch his eyebrows if I ordered takeout instead of cooking, and sigh when I let the laundry pile up because, God forbid, I had my own full-time job.<\/p>\n
And then it happened. One night, he came home with The List.
\nHe sat me down at the kitchen table, unfolded a piece of paper, and slid it across to me.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ve been thinking,\u201d he started, his voice dripping with a condescending tone I hadn\u2019t heard from him before. \u201cYou\u2019re a great wife, Lisa. But there\u2019s room for improvement.\u201d<\/p>\n
My eyebrows shot up. \u201cOh really?\u201d<\/p>\n
He nodded, oblivious to the danger zone he was entering. \u201cYeah. Steve helped me realize that our marriage could be even better if you, you know, stepped up a bit.\u201d
\nI stared at the paper in front of me. It was a schedule\u2026 and he\u2019d written \u201cLisa\u2019s Weekly Routine for Becoming a Better Wife\u201d at the top in bold.<\/p>\n
This guy had actually sat down and mapped out my entire week based on what Steve \u2014 a single guy with zero relationship experience \u2014 thought I should do to \u201cimprove\u201d myself as a wife.<\/p>\n
I was supposed to wake up at 5 a.m. every day to make Jake a gourmet breakfast. Then I\u2019d hit the gym for an hour to \u201cstay in shape.\u201d
\nAfter that? A delightful lineup of chores: cleaning, laundry, ironing. And that was all before I left for work. I was supposed to cook a meal from scratch every evening and make fancy snacks for Jake and his friends when they came over to hang out at our place.<\/p>\n
The whole thing was sexist and insulting on so many levels I didn\u2019t even know where to start. I ended up staring at him, wondering if my husband had lost his mind.<\/p>\n
\u201cThis will be great for you, and us,\u201d he continued, oblivious.
\n\u201cSteve says it\u2019s important to maintain structure, and I think you could benefit from \u2014\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI could benefit from what?\u201d I interrupted, my voice dangerously calm. Jake blinked, caught off guard by the interruption, but he recovered quickly.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, you know, from having some guidance and a schedule.\u201d<\/p>\n
I wanted to throw that paper in his face and ask him if he\u2019d developed a death wish. Instead, I did something that surprised even me: I smiled.
\n\u201cYou\u2019re right, Jake,\u201d I said sweetly. \u201cI\u2019m so lucky that you made me this schedule. I\u2019ll start tomorrow.\u201d<\/p>\n
The relief on his face was instant. I almost felt sorry for him as I got up and stuck the list on the fridge. Almost. He had no idea what was coming.<\/p>\n
The next day, I couldn\u2019t help but smirk as I studied the ridiculous schedule again. If Jake thought he could hand me a list of \u201cimprovements,\u201d then he was about to find out just how much structure our life could really handle.<\/p>\n
Next came the food. If Jake wanted to eat like a king, that wasn\u2019t happening on our current grocery budget. Organic, non-GMO, free-range everything? That stuff didn\u2019t come cheap.<\/p>\n
\u201c$700 per month for groceries,\u201d I wrote. He\u2019d probably need to chip in for a cooking class too. Those were pricey, but hey, perfection wasn\u2019t free.<\/p>\n
I leaned back in my chair, laughing to myself as I imagined Jake\u2019s face when he saw this. But I wasn\u2019t done. Oh no, the pi\u00e8ce de r\u00e9sistance was still to come.<\/p>\n
I pulled out my laptop, opened up a fresh document, and titled it, \u201cJake\u2019s Plan for Becoming the Best Husband Ever.\u201d He wanted a perfect wife? Fine. But there was a cost to perfection.<\/p>\n
I began by listing all the things he had suggested for me, starting with the gym membership he was so keen on. It was laughable, really.<\/p>\n
\u201c$1,200 for a personal trainer.\u201d I typed, barely containing my giggle.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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